Friday, December 3, 2010


I came home from England with a delightful potpourri of germs thanks to our many coughing children. I've been stumbling around this week in a haze of congestion and Nyquil cocktails.  In my stupor, this post makes sense but it may just be the nonsensical ramblings of a doped-up woman.

I have a new French teacher.  It took me a long time to get over the loss of Madame Kickmyass but I eventually contacted someone she recommended.  The new teacher came to my apartment a couple weeks ago and was so sweet, so soft-spoken, so smiley, I was immediately at ease and we began a delightful Frenchie conversation.

At first, she smiled constantly. Then I made a small language error.  Her smile disappeared in an instant and she snapped, "NON!" and aggressively wrote my error down on a list of shame.  I felt betrayed; we'd been getting along so well. 

If my first teacher was "Madame Kickmyass," this one is "Madame Suckerpunch."  She's as tough as Madame Kickmyass, but she lures you into a false sense of security before she wallops you.  After the initial thrashing I was a little afraid.  But then she started smiling and speaking softly again, and I started to feel better.  Then, another error.  "NON!"  Furious writing.  SUCKERPUNCH!

Just like my previous teacher, she wanted to delve immediately into complex topics.  With Madame KMA, one of our first conversations was about love and marriage and the stock market.  With Madame Suckerpunch, our first conversation was about religion. Fantastic.

I told her I'm not a religious person.  I thought I said it correctly but then I got the "NON!" again, this time followed by laughter and finger-pointing.  What I meant to say -- "I'm not religious" -- left my mouth as, "I'm not a nun."  Well that's true, too, so I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

Madame Suckerpunch said I greatly underestimate my French abilities, that I can, in fact, speak pretty well and have a good accent.  She thinks my main problem is confidence.  I told her I wouldn't have a confidence problem if my French teachers would stop yelling at me at which point she leaned over and smacked me across the face.  (Not really, but I wouldn't put it past these French teachers.)

I don't usually write about the disgusting things my kids' bodies do but aw, what the hell, I'm doped up on NyQuil.  I went to pick up Lucien from school yesterday and the first thing he said was, "Mommy, there's a problem with my butt."  I started asking questions about the butt problem when he started farting.  A lot.  Loudly.  Every time he farted, he looked at me incredulously, arms up in the air and said, "See?  I TOLD you!"

Other parents looked at us sideways and tried very hard not to laugh which proves my theory that farting is funny to French people, too.  I pulled Lucien's coat on in a hurry as he continued to fart and yell things like, "It just won't STOP!" 

In perhaps related news, the teacher pulled me aside and asked me for a meeting Monday morning.  I don't want to go.  I don't want to go.  I don't want to go.

The holiday lights have gone up in our neighborhood.  In my last post,  I said that when we leave Paris, it will be the people we miss most of all, but I lied.  It's actually going to be the  lights.

We also put our pathetic little Charlie Brown Christmas tree up this week, the one we dragged home from BHV in our wheeled shopping bag last year.  Here's a picture of it, using my iPhone and my new obsession thanks to New York Mom, the Hipstamatic iPhone app.  It makes all your iPhone pictures look super old.  I'm not sure why this is desirable, but it is.

I just realized this picture makes it look like we killed a small white dog and stuffed it into the bottom of our Christmas tree.  I assure you this is not the case.  The white thing is a feather boa.  Any self-respecting Frenchie Christmas tree needs a feather boa.

"Oh no, where's Fluffy?" asks the neighbor.
Heh heh, NyQuil's yummy,


debbie in toronto said...

MJ..those are some big balls on that tree..just saying

your french teacher sounds very scary but good for you for toughing it out...french is very intimidating...the accent is killer and if she thinks yours is good you are more than halfway there...besides in Quebec they quack like ducks and you can tell Alex I said that..haha the teacher who pulls you aside so you can all weekend to wonder what the meeting is about...booo

anyway...have a good one anyway..BHV was my fav last trip...the bathroom on the fifth floor in the kids dept is never tip...

see ya.

Duchesse said...

Debbie, you're so mean to us Quebeckers;)

Sorry you're under the weather, Sweetie. Hope you get better soon:) But your ill health makes for great posts:)

Tell Lucien to wait til he's nearing 40... he'll see all the wonderful things his body does then...;)

Ahhhhh beautiful lights! Thanks for sharing! I hope you'll be posting more pictures like that one:)

Evelyn said...

Hope you're feeling better. I'm amazed that you can still be hilariously funny when you're sick. You make me laugh out loud...and I'm an old lady who has seen and heard just about everything funny.

Another Day of Crazy said...

The stuffed white dog bit was so funny, I did actually laugh out loud, and thus needed to comment. Thanks for the laugh this morning (here in the US).

Mrs. Howard said...

Oh kids farting...its always precious and cute and hilarious the first time they discover it before they get older and it becomes a cheap joke among best buds.

Amy said...

Oh my MJ, you are so funny! What a bunch of great laughs I had. Hope the butt problem gets better soon and everyone feels better. Love the looks like a postcard.

Andrea said...

I am laughing so hard my eyes are welling up! Thanks for putting a smile on my face!

MJ said...

Hello ladies. I apologize, again, for slacking on responding to your comments. I really do want to hug each and every one of you. Thank you for bearing with me as I resort to fart jokes.

Anonymous said...

Crying again. Kids still looking at me like I'm nuts. Blogging genius! According to my husband farting is always funny. I think I may have to agree with him.


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