Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Bones, sexy and unsexy

I went to the catacombs with Virginia Mom Saturday.  The line was long which surprised us because who in their right mind wants to spend a beautiful Saturday morning underneath the city in dark scary tunnels with piles of skulls and femurs?  I mean, besides us?

The line advanced slowly because they only let handfuls of people enter at a time.  As we stood there awaiting our turn to descend into the depths of hell, I noticed a sign posted next to the entrance.  It warned visitors the catacombs may not be suitable for "those of a nervous disposition."  Ruh-roh.  It was like the catacombs were pointing at me, talking straight at my face -- "yeah YOU, the jittery one."

The problem is I can't tell the difference between having a nervous disposition vs. having ten coffees every morning before 8:00 a.m.  Do I have a nervous disposition or just a heavily caffeinated one?  We will never know because I'm not going to stop. 

The catacombs didn't make me nervous but if you're claustrophobic or don't like being dripped upon in narrow subterranean tunnels, it may not be the place for you.  It will be worse if you start picturing the water dripping on your head as slimy dead people bone water, so definitely don't do that.

The bones, which kindly reminded us we're all gonna die someday, were arranged very artistically.  Bravo, bone arrangers.

After the bones, we went to M.P. Samie.  M.P. Samie is the place in Paris for cheap French porcelain.  You can buy Apilco serving platters or Limoges bowls for 8 euros -- the same ones available at Williams Sonoma for 50 bucks or more, suckers.  We always leave with a bunch of stuff we never expected to buy.  Sometimes it's stuff for which we can't even identify a purpose but squeal, three euros!

I like going there with Virginia Mom because she cooks more than I do and knows stuff I don't.  She'll point at a shallow dish and say something like, "Oh, that's really useful if you need to do an egg wash or something" and I'll nod dumbly beside her like, "yep...egg wash....exactly what I was thinking...."

(What the f*ck is an egg wash?)

After buying a ton of porcelain and beginning to lug it painfully home on our persons, we stopped for lunch at a creperie near Montparnasse.  Two American tourists sat next to us and were so wonderfully American in their chattiness with strangers, I missed my homefolk.  We chatted a bit and witnessed them try their first glass of Breton cider.  Mr. New Jersey said, "Hmm, that' ain't bad" and was promptly awarded the Understatement of the Year award.

Back to the subject of bones for a minute.  Lucien is drawing a lot of dinosaur bones recently but unfortunately (or fortunately?) they all look like penises.  He follows me through the apartment with his unintentional penis drawings and says things like, "Mom, you like the bone?  Is it a good bone? Do you want the bone on the refrigerator?"  I alternate between laughing uncontrollably and telling him to stop being so goddamn inappropriate.

Lucien also lost another tooth.  The first time he lost a tooth he had a very awkward conversation with a homeless man.  This time, as he was holding his tooth in his hand, he dropped it on our shag area rug and lost it for real.  We've since combed through the rug and shaken the rug but the tooth is firmly entrenched somewhere inside and it ain't coming out.

A very upset Lucien then drew the Tooth Fairy a dinosaur (an Apatosaurus, his favorite!) and asked me to transcribe a message to her.  I'm pretty sure he'll still get his euro.  At least he didn't draw her a penis.  

I might as well talk about the people across the courtyard who are always in their underwear.  There used to be a hot drywall guy over there but now the apartment is all fixed up, our new neighbors have moved in and they don't seem to like their clothing.

The first day they moved in I said, "Hey, Al, there's a lady in her bra across the courtyard."  He got excited until he realized maybe she wasn't his first choice of all the French ladies to see in her bra -- but bra pickin's are slim around here so he pulled up a chair and I popped him some popcorn.

We've seen both man and woman in their underwear many, many times since.  More chairs, more popcorn. They're not the most attractive people in the world but what the hell, we don't have anything better to do since our cable TV still -- even after three years of complaining -- loses the sound every five minutes.

Here's a picture of my head.  It's not possible to capture the brilliance of this new haircolor in a photograph.  It's red, but with dazzling areas of orange and blonde.  I have no idea what it looks like on your computer monitor, but trust me when I say in bright sunlight I look like a candle wearing a scarf and skinny jeans.

I'm going on vacation in a few days.  I hope to check in with the posse during vacation because I want to show you pictures of where we are, and pictures of the guy's couch we're going to have to beg to sleep on for a night or two because we're going to an island with no hotel and few inhabitants.  I love traveling without children -- we can be all "who gives a crap where we sleep or when we eat" again. 

Ima go egg wash something!


debbie in toronto said...

well it's red on my computer monitor...bright red...were you asleep in the chair when she did it..ha..just kidding..sort of

anyway..enjoy your vacance without kids...it's a crazy world out there without the small fry...go nuts.

and crazy dead people skull water...not for me.

MJ said...

Just red? No orange? No blonde? You're missing out on the most fascinating aspects of my current haircolor. And FYI -- my hairstylist has BRIGHT ORANGE(for real, ask Virginia Mom) hair, so I probably should have known what I was in for...

I will enjoy that vacation, I will, I will. Thanks, Debbie, always.

Paris Paul said...

I'm lovin' the zenith of red and orange streaking across your hair like a fiery sunset across the burnt umber sky...

Jenn said...

It's quite... zesty. Citrus is in this season though. Very avant mode.

I'm watching the weather and trying to work out what sort of sneaky trick Paris is trying to pull. Will it be hot or cold next week? I can guarantee the opposite of whatever I pack.

StayingPositive said...

Thanks for the pick me up. I love reading your posts. I was getting all whiny this morning because I have to get up before the birds, and some idiot is honking outside my window for God knows what, and I forgot to set the coffee maker last night. Just reading about your adventures made me forget all those things and just smile for a minute. (I still need coffee though.)

Tell the Loosh not to feel bad about the tooth. My 5 year old swallowed his first lost tooth. The grandparents asked if I was going to "find" it. Um. No.

Happy Wednesday, and enjoy your vacation!

Duchesse said...

My husband wanted to visit the Catacombes in August, but the lines deterred us.. will have to try again in December, I guess;)

The Loosh's comments reminded me of an anecdote a colleague of mine told me about a business trip she took to Jamaica, the number one sexual tourism destination for women (the number one for men being Thailand) where she was subjected to constant and not-so-subtle come-ons along the lines of "Hey Lady, want some bone?";) I wouldn't want to see you there right now with that flamboyant hair of yours;) I'm glad you opted for a travel destination in Europe!;)

By the way, me likey the flamboyant hair:) Very sexy:) Too bad you can't wear your little red peacoat with it yet:) What a sight you'd be in a sea of black and grey:)

I never saw my neighbours running around in their undies, but in Ottawa, I could sometime see my next-door neighbour sitting on the throne... Him and I finally met in a bar a few years later... in Korea! Small world, eh?!:)

Today is October 5th: Happy 2nd birthday, Miss Cokes!:) How time flies:)

Janet said...

Just in case :

Bonnes vacances !

laughingsalmon said...

Bones,teeth,penises,hair...You've covered the basics...

Macsmail said...

There is nothing wrong with a "heavily caffeinated disposition", don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I went to the catacombs once and for some weird reason there were only two people there, myself and a rather creepy looking man. Half the time we were walking together and then he kind of disappeared. I wasn't sure what was worse a.being alone b. being alone with creepy guy or c. wondering where creepy guy went? There should be a movie about that place.
Love, love the porcelain shop, I ended up cramming a few pieces in my backpack to bring home.
Great to see the picture of your hair! I can now show it to my husband to explain that glow in the North East that he has been so puzzled about...
Have a great ADULT vacation!!! I'm so jealous I look like the Incredible Hulk right now. Makes your glowing head kinda pale in comparison doesn't it???

Marie said...

Your hair is now the exact color of my cleaning lady. Are you sure you are not in Poland?

Mrs. Howard said...

Red with brown tips? *flees*

Janice said...

Just started reading your blog cuz my husband and I just planned a quick "adult trip" to London and Paris. Hope your vacation is great...had to read your blog to my hubby out loud cuz I was laughing so hard...especially about Hot Thing One and Hot Thing Two, also laughing about Lucien's drawings! SO Funny! We will be in Paris next month, traveling from Seattle! Any tips would be appreciated :-)

Luxembourgermeister said...

Holy frijoles! That is exactly why I did not ever get a haircut for 2.5 years while in Lux...although I did get one in Malta where they speak British English and I thought "fringe" meant "layers" and ended up with bangs. Bummer. Oh, and I'm already a redhead, but still - not to worry, it will grow out. And that could be another interesting photo...


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