Thursday, November 3, 2011

Croatian Men in Boats

With our mental states quickly deteriorating in Paris, I'm going back to my happy place and posting Croatia Part Two.  Part One was a real hoot; you should go back and read it if you have a few hours.

Al and I spent some downtime at a resort on the Lapad Peninsula where we hoped to sit in a sauna for days, preferably until bright pink and near death.  The resort beach was nice except a Russian woman insisted on being topless all the time.  She wasn't just topless at the beach; she was also often topless at the beach bar.  An American man gawking at the topless Russian woman ran into me and made me spill my mojito.  I was angry at the man because the lady's boobs were not that impressive but my mojito had really been something special.

The water was too cold for me but Alex is from Quebec, and therefore part polar bear, so he jumped right in and paddled around happily --

We were sitting at the buffet breakfast one morning when our attention was drawn to the music playing in the dining room.  It was a song in English.  The lyrics went like this --

"I've noticed you around.
I find you very attractive.
Would you go to bed with me?"   

The same lyric repeated over and over.  Alex and I put napkins over our faces to conceal our shaking and laughing.  Why did we think shaking and laughing with napkins over our faces would be less conspicuous than shaking and laughing without napkins over our faces?  I don't understand our reasoning sometimes.

I don't think anyone else in the dining room spoke English because no one else stopped eating their scrambled eggs long enough to even raise an eyebrow.  It's a shame they didn't realize how sexy their breakfast was.

Our final day in Croatia was spent in a small resort town called Cavtat, just south of Dubrovnik.  We stayed at a hotel near the airport run by the happiest man alive.  He smiled and laughed so much it was unnerving.  When he offered us a complimentary ride into town with the BIGGEST SMILE EVER, Alex leaned over and whispered, "He's going to kill us."

But no, we live!  He's just a really happy guy.  After he drove us to downtown Cavtat, he walked us around a bit.  It was obvious he was very proud of his town.  He kept gesturing at all the yachts and sailboats and good-looking people and saying, "It's Croatia Monaco!  Croatia Monaco!"

 Life is good in Croatia Monaco

Can anyone tell me what kind of flower this is?  We called them "Croatia Flowers" because the creativity is strong in us --

(In related news, I'm not the only non-flower person in our family.  Alex and Coco stopped to buy flowers after a recent grocery run.  The flower lady gushed over Coco and handed her a very pretty little rose.  Coco looked at it for a second then took a huge bite out of it.  Coco don't know flowers.)

Back to Croatia -- the interesting part, finally.

We wandered along the water after lunch and met.... him --

We walked into this small cliffside bar looking for a bathroom.  There wasn't a bathroom but the guy running the bar was so funny, we stuck around for a beer --

I told Barman I liked his bar but I wanted a bathroom.  Barman told me girls climb the hill behind the bar, that there was a "Girls Bathroom" up there and I would "know it when I saw it."   He and Al cheered me on as I climbed the hill.  Then Barman yelled, "HEY, you forgot something" and fired a roll of toilet paper at my face.

I won't tell you what I saw in the "Girls Bathroom" but let's just say it was obvious not just girls had been up there.  Keep it sexy, Croatia.

Over the next several hours, we were sucked into Barman's world.  Al and I are still trying to wrap our minds around the debauchery and lawlessness we took part in while spending the day with Barman and his friends.  Even now, weeks later, one of us will occasionally stare into space and say, "What the f*ck was that..."

I don't have pictures of nudity because this is a family-friendly blog (false), but perhaps it won't be too hard to imagine.  Barman's friends appeared in a boat below the bar and yelled at him to throw down a few beers.  He did.  I laughed at the boys diving after the beers and told Barman I wanted to take pictures of them.  Barman yelled to his friends, "Hey, this American wants to take pictures of you."  They seemed to like that idea very much.

Alex: "Jesus, woman, put down the camera already."
Me: "In a minute, in a minute..."

Everything was great and we were having some laughs when suddenly penises appeared and started waving all over the place.  I stopped taking pictures at that point and started laughing very hard with my head down on the table.  I know, I know -- it was the wrong decision, but I was taken by surprise by all the penises.

Barman left the bar soon thereafter to join his friends --

Before he dove headfirst into shallow water, he posted this sign on the beer fridge, normal operating procedure for him when his friends pull up in a boat under the bar --

 "Back in 10 minutes. Went swimming.  Help yourself."

Everyone just calm down and keep your drawers on

After several hours of strange things,  Alex and I looked at each other and said at the exact same time, "It's time to go."  Things were spiraling out of control at the bar and we were suddenly weirded out by a few of Barman's friends who had gone silent and were just staring at us.

There were loud protests as we gathered our stuff and fled, which only made us flee faster.  It was a fun group and a helluva time but it's not quite our scene anymore.  Alex and I are old farts with kids -- and those guys are young and wild and quite possibly plotting to kill us.

Barman, thank you for a very memorable day

All right.  Back to the move.  I still have internet thanks to Newcastle Guy, and the person I spoke to today who's scheduling our pre-move survey was competent and friendly and had a voice like butter. 

We're gonna make it through this, everybody!


Sara said...

I think that flower is a lantana, but I'm not positive.
I have been reading your blog for a while, I will miss your European adventures!

After Fifty said...

Hahahahaha MJ, fantastic entry! Thanks again for a good laugh, you are freaking hilarious!

Davicious said...

My honey says that flower is a lantana montevidenses: variety "carnival". He's all horticultury like that. :)

MJ said...

Hi Sara -- according to Davicious's husband, you are correct! I'm going to miss our European adventures, too, as well as all you fine people who stop in to see me sometimes.

Thanks, Syl. That trip was really something. What a grand finale to our European travel. Penises!

Davicious! Thank you to AFIF Dad. It was quite an eye-catching flower -- must have been if even I noticed it. How you guys doing down there? Your blog is collecting dust! Are the kids fluent? Have you started the English school? Still growing beautiful things in the garden? Hope all's going well!

Bye, all. Have good days and nights or whatever's happening wherever you are.

debbie in toronto said...

okay I used to think a good blog from you had to include vomit..but I've changed my mind...penises...yes..that is the new "catch phrase" ....

my first husband is Croatian...I understand all of this completely.

newcastle guy rocks....your posse should send him flowers.

Anonymous said...

Why is it a man loses his concentration when looking at an undraped female and yet a woman laughs when viewing an undraped male or specifically his penis? ;-)

Bec Oakley said...

Wow. Just wow. I wants me some Croatia.

Okay, truth now... you totally photoshopped that sunset didn’t you. Colours like that don’t exist in the real world unless your kid is puking up a Fanta smoothie (don’t ask).

Yay! Sexy horn song! I love sexy horn song. It’s on heavy rotation in my car for those days when I like to pretend that I’m a 22 year old hipster with a pixie cut picking up guys in jazz clubs (every second Thursday).

Oooh, a NYT bestseller no less! You go, well-connected girl. I’ll email ya for a chat about themes, but I’d go with “universal truths found in weird-ass statues”.

Jenn said...

I want to go to Croatia. But if you want some lantana, it's a national weed here in Australia - how's that for a slogan? Come! See our weed! (Though possibly best not to market that in SE Asia).

Enjoy your free internet for as long as it lasts!

Duchesse said...

"...when suddenly penises appeared and started waving all over the place. I stopped taking pictures at that point..."

Why, merciful God, WHYYYYYYYYYYY???!!!!!!!

Michael Strangeways said...

hmmmm...I don't think they wanted to kill you...I think they wanted to make "sexy fun times" with the cute American couple.

There was probably a videographer hiding in the shrubbery just ready to secretly film "Croatia Tourist Gang Bang Part 34"

You were probably wise to leave.

After Fifty said...

BIG LMAO to all of you. Comments are funny as hell too, very witty people around here!
There's nothing like a good laugh to start the day on a good note. Thanks all!

It's Just Me! said...

On rechecking notes from my Croation class, that phrase I told you meant "I'm a boring American" actually roughly translates to, "We don't have sexy Euro-man bathing suits like that in America, please take it off now and shake your lantana flower at me."

Sorry babe. Hope Al took it in stride.

Mrs. Howard said...

I read some parts of this post out loud for my Hubs cuz they were just too funny to read silently to myself! Love how the dudes all got them skimpy swim panties-I mean 'Speedos' on.

MJ said...

Debbie! Penises it is, then! It's all penis, all the time from here on out!

Ummm.. you had a Croatian husband? WHY DIDN'T I KNOW THIS? They're hot, Debbie.... hot....

Newcastle Guy does rock. Saving our butts right now, he is.

Anonymous -- it is because womens' bodies are gorgeous, whereas penises are strange-looking. That's just the truth right there.

Bec, you are all kinds of awesome. Thank you so much for your email today. When I have some time, I'm going to reply but wanted to say THANK YOU. (and nope, didn't Photoshop the sunset. Looked like that every night. Fanta milkshake surprise)

Jenn, I would be happier than happy to come sample, I mean see, Australia's weed. Oops.

Duchesse, forgive me. I just didn't feel right about taking pictures of penises. I can't explain. It was a strange, strange time in my life...

Strangeways, I sure do like your frank talk. Agreed, I think the idea in the air was less murder-y and more sex-y. But let me be clear -- we never felt threatened in any way, just felt like maybe we were two seconds away from an indecent proposal. And that's not something we were prepared to deal with at that time.

Sorry, videographer in the bushes. All you got were pictures of us running far, far away.

Syl, agreed, I have the wittiest commenters ever. I love the posse. *sniff*

C! HA! "Shake your lantana flower" may be my new sexy phrase.

I guess that's exactly what happened, then. You are forgiven for teaching me sexy Croatian. And of course Al took it in stride -- Alex takes most weird stuff in stride.


laughingsalmon said...

MJ...You've made me long to see Croatia...a place I'd never really considered...I think that orangey-magentaish flow looks like a Lantana...They are very common here in Tucson...Come in several color combinations...

Bec Oakley said...

I meant to ask... what's a pre-move survey??

Is that where they check that you're not smuggling out the secret of how French women stay so thin?

Or is it a visit from Homeland Security checking that you know who the president is and can still remember how to wear sweatpants...

MJ said...

Laughing Salmon -- was it the mention of penises that did it?

Bec -- a pre-move survey is when someone comes to your apartment and their jaw drops when they see how much crap you've managed to stuff into it.

(They're coming to see how much stuff we have, measure the art to put into special boxes, inspect all fragile items such as mirrors, and wonder why I brought my wedding dress to Paris. I'll tell 'em, "beats the hell out of me...")

Anne said...

MJ: I brought my wedding dress to Paris too, only because it was hanging in a dry cleaning bag with all the out of season clothes. We are truly kindred spirits, even though you are funnier.

Anonymous said...

"it is because womens' bodies are gorgeous, whereas penises are strange-looking. That's just the truth right there." Ouch! Can't mens' bodies be gorgeous too, penis and all?

MJ said...

Hello? This thing on? Have you seen the pictures of those guys? Obviously mens' bodies are gorgeous... way, way gorgeous....but penises still funny-looking.

MJ said...

Anne, makes me happy to know we're wedding-dress bringing sisters. Did yours make it home safe and sound? When my dress gets older I'm going to tell it it spent three years of its life in Paris -- hope it realizes not a lot of wedding dresses get to do that.

Anne said...

MJ: Maybe I should go check. Unlike the wool blazers that have made their way out of the out of season storage into my bedroom closet, I haven't had much occasion lately to wear it. I'm sure I'm saving it only to have my girls tell me someday that it's hideous and they wouldn't be caught dead wearing it (kind of like I did to my mom.) The joy of parenting.

Bec Oakley said...

You know what you have to do, right?


Pop that sucker on and let it see the sights so that one day when it has little wedding dresses of its own it can look through the photos and sigh "Someday, little ones, I will take you back there and shove you in a tiny apartment closet for three years so you too can have the real Paris experience..."

Faux Fuchsia said...

it's lantana, in Australia it's a rampant weed and we do everything in our power to poison it!


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