Al and I spent some downtime at a resort on the Lapad Peninsula where we hoped to sit in a sauna for days, preferably until bright pink and near death. The resort beach was nice except a Russian woman insisted on being topless all the time. She wasn't just topless at the beach; she was also often topless at the beach bar. An American man gawking at the topless Russian woman ran into me and made me spill my mojito. I was angry at the man because the lady's boobs were not that impressive but my mojito had really been something special.
The water was too cold for me but Alex is from Quebec, and therefore part polar bear, so he jumped right in and paddled around happily --
We were sitting at the buffet breakfast one morning when our attention was drawn to the music playing in the dining room. It was a song in English. The lyrics went like this --
"I've noticed you around.
I find you very attractive.
Would you go to bed with me?"
The same lyric repeated over and over. Alex and I put napkins over our faces to conceal our shaking and laughing. Why did we think shaking and laughing with napkins over our faces would be less conspicuous than shaking and laughing without napkins over our faces? I don't understand our reasoning sometimes.
I don't think anyone else in the dining room spoke English because no one else stopped eating their scrambled eggs long enough to even raise an eyebrow. It's a shame they didn't realize how sexy their breakfast was.
Our final day in Croatia was spent in a small resort town called Cavtat, just south of Dubrovnik. We stayed at a hotel near the airport run by the happiest man alive. He smiled and laughed so much it was unnerving. When he offered us a complimentary ride into town with the BIGGEST SMILE EVER, Alex leaned over and whispered, "He's going to kill us."
But no, we live! He's just a really happy guy. After he drove us to downtown Cavtat, he walked us around a bit. It was obvious he was very proud of his town. He kept gesturing at all the yachts and sailboats and good-looking people and saying, "It's Croatia Monaco! Croatia Monaco!"
Life is good in Croatia Monaco
Can anyone tell me what kind of flower this is? We called them "Croatia Flowers" because the creativity is strong in us --
(In related news, I'm not the only non-flower person in our family. Alex and Coco stopped to buy flowers after a recent grocery run. The flower lady gushed over Coco and handed her a very pretty little rose. Coco looked at it for a second then took a huge bite out of it. Coco don't know flowers.)
Back to Croatia -- the interesting part, finally.
We wandered along the water after lunch and met.... him --
We walked into this small cliffside bar looking for a bathroom. There wasn't a bathroom but the guy running the bar was so funny, we stuck around for a beer --
I told Barman I liked his bar but I wanted a bathroom. Barman told me girls climb the hill behind the bar, that there was a "Girls Bathroom" up there and I would "know it when I saw it." He and Al cheered me on as I climbed the hill. Then Barman yelled, "HEY, you forgot something" and fired a roll of toilet paper at my face.
I won't tell you what I saw in the "Girls Bathroom" but let's just say it was obvious not just girls had been up there. Keep it sexy, Croatia.
Over the next several hours, we were sucked into Barman's world. Al and I are still trying to wrap our minds around the debauchery and lawlessness we took part in while spending the day with Barman and his friends. Even now, weeks later, one of us will occasionally stare into space and say, "What the f*ck was that..."
I don't have pictures of nudity because this is a family-friendly blog (false), but perhaps it won't be too hard to imagine. Barman's friends appeared in a boat below the bar and yelled at him to throw down a few beers. He did. I laughed at the boys diving after the beers and told Barman I wanted to take pictures of them. Barman yelled to his friends, "Hey, this American wants to take pictures of you." They seemed to like that idea very much.
Alex: "Jesus, woman, put down the camera already."
Me: "In a minute, in a minute..."
Everything was great and we were having some laughs when suddenly penises appeared and started waving all over the place. I stopped taking pictures at that point and started laughing very hard with my head down on the table. I know, I know -- it was the wrong decision, but I was taken by surprise by all the penises.
Barman left the bar soon thereafter to join his friends --
Before he dove headfirst into shallow water, he posted this sign on the beer fridge, normal operating procedure for him when his friends pull up in a boat under the bar --
"Back in 10 minutes. Went swimming. Help yourself."
Everyone just calm down and keep your drawers on
After several hours of strange things, Alex and I looked at each other and said at the exact same time, "It's time to go." Things were spiraling out of control at the bar and we were suddenly weirded out by a few of Barman's friends who had gone silent and were just staring at us.
There were loud protests as we gathered our stuff and fled, which only made us flee faster. It was a fun group and a helluva time but it's not quite our scene anymore. Alex and I are old farts with kids -- and those guys are young and wild and quite possibly plotting to kill us.
Barman, thank you for a very memorable day
All right. Back to the move. I still have internet thanks to Newcastle Guy, and the person I spoke to today who's scheduling our pre-move survey was competent and friendly and had a voice like butter.
We're gonna make it through this, everybody!